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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in paladin656's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, January 3rd, 2008
1:01 pm
In an effort at self reinvention.
I have decided with the new year, there shall be, at least to some extent, a new me.  So I invite those friends that I have, both offline and on, that I've spoken to at length or that I've actually had the chance to spend time with, I invite you to make a best/worst analysis of me.  What are my best qualities, what are my worst?  And I'm speaking in very broad terms, from personality to appearance.  Anything you've noticed from speaking to or being around me.

Feel free to post your remarks as comments, or send to me in PM, IM, Email or what have you.  I'm a big boy, don't hold back :)
Wednesday, September 26th, 2007
2:39 pm
Letter of termination
Apparently a picture of me got somewhere that one of my jobs didn't like.  I have been fired from that job.  I do not know what site.  It wasn't mentioned, I didn't think to ask. 

Those that talk to me regularly are hearby formally cautioned that I will be in a bad mood for some time to come.

Thank you for your service, your fired, have a nice day.

I had used a picture of me in a work uniform on a singles site.  According to what I was told when I was fired, the singles site I was on linked to objectonable material.  I don't deny using the pic for a profile, but I think just asking me to take it down would have been sufficiant.
Monday, August 13th, 2007
1:56 pm
addendum to previous
So I've had some people express concern in various ways after my last post.  I'd like to tell everyone that I feel better for the most part.  I wasn't pissed at anyone specifically, except for one person, and she knows without a doubt that I am.

It's just frustrating, that combined with the fact that people I talk to in various formats that are all like, yeah lets hang out, but never find the time, or people I used to talk to that don't talk to me anymore for some reason, and all that, makes me kinda wonder what's up with me that people are like this to me.  40-Year old virgin here I come.

I love my friends, even, or perhaps especially those that I've had feelings of more than friendship for.  Though it is awkward, and I thank those friends for giving me the space and time that I need (still need) in some cases.

Love for my real friends <3
Thursday, August 9th, 2007
2:50 am
Crazy Bitches
It seems the women around me want to either break my heart, or fuck with my head. No middle ground. I just got done dealing with a girl who one day would be talking all sexual to me, pics on the phone, the whole shit. The next day she'd be bitching at me telling me I was a jerk and not a good friend, cause all I wanted was in her pants. I wash myself of her when she stood me up twice. I try to do the bitch a favor, drive out of my way cause her cars busted and she needs to pay a ticket. She's not at home, doesn't answer her cell, no call no nothing. Several days later she's all like "Oh, when I didn't answer, I didn't think you'd come out." Bullshit. She'd probably end up crying rape if we did actually do anything.

It makes me question every interaction I've had with women. My first girlfriend, was I just a toy for her to keep around until she found something better? Timing the way events happen certainly makes me wonder.  And she still tells me more than I care to know of her current guy.

Girl I meet randomly, just coming off a relationship. I should have known better, but no, idiot that I am, I spend a couple of weeks, and end up falling in love, deep, hard, and fast. To be cast aside with the still want to be friends line.

A friend that I was interested in. Must have amused her greatly to see my feeble attempts to express that in some decent way without making an ass of myself. Ass made time and time again. At least until she actually finds someone worthy of her attention. I haven't even managed to bring myself to be around her again.

And most recently, the girl I hung out with for the first time in a year. I haven't figured her angle out, but I'm sure it's there, after all this, what else would it be. She's talking to someone in Texas, but still spends time with me. I guess I'm closer, more convenient for the time being.

And this doesn't even count all the countless people that I talk to online and that just stop talking to me randomly for no reason. I'm tired of this shit. Women are not worth this effort, and are not worth this trouble.

Current Mood: pissed off
Sunday, June 10th, 2007
5:40 pm
I learned over the weekend...
That in some circles, Kevlar is a euphemism for condom.

Go ahead, ask about my weekend.  I daaaare you.

Current Mood: horny
Sunday, March 18th, 2007
9:23 pm
And it's been a while...
Since I can say I love myself as well

Since I've posted
Oh wells.

I've been reading Kushiel's Scion by Jacqueline Carey, which among other things is about a character's figuring out of himself.  Of particular interest was his learning to deal with women, and it, along with a song stuck in my head recently, has made me ponder my own (mis?)adventures with women.  I didn't go through my awkward stage with them through adolescence as did the person in the story, I was so not social at that point in my life, I never had the chance to be awkward.  I was just avoidant.  So I seem to have gone through it in the past year.

Why must I feel this way?
Just make this go away
Just one more peaceful day!

It started with her.  Met online in a game we both played.  Half the country away but so much in common.  It felt so fulfilling, but it was so short lived.  I blamed myself, constantly.  No as much now, but sometimes.  I was addicted plain and simple, and the withdrawl was rough.  Spent the better time of a week not eating and in seclusion.  One of my professors at the college took one look at me and gave me the equivalent of WTF?! 

I still talk to her occasionally, it's much easier now than it was.  I've learned since then, and that's helped.   I still feel a great attachment to her, she was the first for several things for me, emotionally and physically.  But that part of it is over, and I learned from it all, eventually.  Wasn't a thing of you know, here's the end of the relationship with the moral of the story like the safety tip at the end of GI Joe.  But it's a lesson none the less.  You can't force the feelings to go away when it ends.  You can deny them, you can shove them down, but they're still there and surface on you.  You have to live through it, and let them fade at their own pace

And it's been awhile
Since I've seen the way the candles light your face
And it's been awhile
But I can still remember just the way you taste

And there is my shy grey-eyed angel.  Met at a random introduction, neither one of us remembers who.  Ahh, what can I say about her?  A presence so intoxicating, I would throw all reason out the window, along with my own sanity for one intimate moment with.  And circumstances so frustrating, that I felt I'd be torn apart even as she held me in her arms.  I pined for her, I still do, just better managed, and I don't let it rule me any longer, and we are good friends, despite my occasional awkwardness. 

She brought out so much in me, and I think... I overpowered her with it.  Like so much of a sweet smell, can still make you sick.  I'm not sure, but honestly i treasure every moment had with her, and each one I still do, even if it is just as friends.  I still have my moments, even just her voice can draw me in, remind me of what was, and at times, in each word I can hear the rejection of everything I offered.  I am not bitter though, I learned much from her, but mostly, I will say I learned what it was to truly lose yourself in the passion.  To let the raw emotions guide me, each touch was an expression of so much that I felt, the shyness, the hesitation, at some point just fell away, and I was able to tell her whatever I wanted to.

And it's been awhile
Since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do

And most recently, someone that I met recently, and still feel as I hardly know.  I cannot say much of her, other than we seemed to get along at once point, and hopefully will see if we still do.  I had the chance for an exclusive relationship with her, but turned it down out of surprise at the offer and a moments hesitation.  I may have another chance, I do not know yet as to where she stands on it.  She asked me out recently but she's not been feeling so hot and with apologies she's understandably kept herself in bed and medicated.  I told her, that if she still wanted to go out sometime, she could ask when she's feeling better.

I learned here, that hesitation can be a bad thing.

And it's been awhile
But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you

And intermixed in it is all, is the crush turned friend.  A friendship founded on the precepts of sushi and movies.  Would I actually take a date with her?  Absolutely, and she wells knows it, but for her own reasons we've never gone there.  She is great company, and patient, when she's not already working on something, or beating on me when I compliment her one to many times,  and listens to me rant and carry on.  Where i would be without her to occasionally put up with me, I dunno, but I would be worse off.

From her, I will say I learned, that sometimes, you just need a friend.

And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry

And so I'd say I've learned some.  I am still awkward, I still have no Idea what I'm doing.  But less so.  I've learned, I'm more comfortable with myself, and how I am.  I'll continue to learn, and perhaps someday along the way, I'll find someone who meshes as well with me as I actually think they do.

Full lyrics to the song:

Current Mood: contemplative
Monday, March 5th, 2007
4:49 pm
My turn on is...
You scored as Bondage. Your turn on is bondage... all out. You don't have a specific part of kinky sex that turns you on more than any other... everything working together turns you on. And why shouldn't it? Sex isn't sex without all the trimmings.












Blind Folds


What's Your Kinky Turn On?
created with QuizFarm.com

Only a 75 on biting? I'm surprised. And even lower on handcuffs. Anyone who knows me knows I'm always looking out for people willing to model handcuffs for me :P
Wednesday, January 31st, 2007
1:58 pm
You're pretty!, (or why can't you take a compliment?)
I am surrounded by rather attractive, pretty, sexy, and even hot women that whenever I compliment in the slightest, even in a friendly manner, I get threatened, hit, dodged, or told I'm crazy and/or silly.

One of my male friends has suggested that it's a simple fact of women thinking that anytime someone compliments them, he has an ulterior motive, whether it be something just evil or just bothersome. Not to mention the cycle of spiraling self esteem this creates. When I get troubled this much for my effort of being nice and sincere, by god I'll stop it and avoid getting hit in the head or my sanity questioned. Then when you don't get complements, which lowers the self esteem further. (No one thinks I'm pretty, no one tells me I'm cute *sob sob sob*) When someone does tell you, you take it as a pity gesture, or something insincere or what have you, which starts the nice cycle over again. Maybe I am just crazy. I've never denied that, but in truth, the simple meaning behind the fact of I like ___ about you, or Your ___ is ____, means just that.

Well, this is for one of my friends who would beat the hell out of me for such a compliment, but they can deal with it. I'm not within arms reach, and any comments of being mentally impaired, I will promptly ignore. So just once for god's sake, even if you can't say thank you, just smile and nod.

Luxurious locks of long gorgeous hair beginning as a lightened, almost red tinged brown. Cascading as a waterfall down about her countenance and over her shoulders, shifting subtly in hue until it rests about her breast as a deep, rich, and meaningful chocolate brown against the creamy glimpses of skin from the neckline of her shirt.

*holsters his pen* Take that, thou who shant be complimented.
Friday, September 22nd, 2006
12:08 pm
Had a rather interesting dream on waking this morning. Rare that I remembered it, normally don't, but hear goes.

I was a member of a military outfit and we were conducting operations in a flooded out city, warfare type stuff. I was alone for some reason. Don't know what happened to my crew, but I ended up paired with this guy I found and his young daughter. And I was working to get them out of the area. It was like a flooded out warehouses with like big loading bay doors and I end up having to swim out one of those big doors while wearing my kevlar vest and all. Was a rough swim, but luckily, the dock where the troop transport ship was nearby. So I get them settled on the deck, where lots of soldiers and refugees are. I get called up to the front by the captain (A woman, dunno if that's important or not, but it stands out for some reason) She's all worried about me thinking I'm gonna go nuts from what happened, and we're talking and I'm trying to tell her I'm fine, I've been through worse. Somehow during this conversation the navy ship turns into an airplane. Not like a transformer, it just 'is' after a bit. So were talking and she rolls a computer on a little stand towards me for me to do something on, as she's doing that alarm starts going off, and I'm like WTF?!, she tells me that's what happens when someone hacks into the system, apparently thinking I had. I'm like no.. that's what happens when your ship is in danger, so I get up and start toward the cabin of the now airplane, I spy one guy with a hacksaw heading toward the cockpit, so I circle around to get behind him, and run into another guy with a knife and ski mask. I go all hand to hand with him, until one of the other soldiers jumps out of his seat and helps me knock him out. I'm closing in on the hacksaw dude when I wake up.

I'll organize this later, and maybe make it into a short story or some such, but it was interesting.
Thursday, August 24th, 2006
3:23 pm
How to love an introvert
The part about the introvert I think is pretty good, considering I am one. Substitute him for her as needed.

How to Love An Introvert
Adapted from How to Be An Adult in Relationships, by David Richo (Shambhala, 2002).

Simple Solution
It can be challenging to let your partner know you love them when the two of you have different basic personality types: misunderstandings can occur. Extroverts can feel introverts’ need for distance as rejection. Introverts can think extroverts are smothering or intrusive.

So here is a handy little checklist of five ways to love your favorite introvert. Oh, and for all of you who love extroverts, there’s one for you, too! Find out how to express your love to an introvert (or an extrovert) in a way that she or he will understand, here:

How to Love an Introvert

Attention: Show an awareness and loyalty that she will not interpret as scrutiny or intrusion.

Acceptance: Validate her need for distance without taking it as rejection.

Affection: Let her give the signal for closeness of any kind.

Appreciation: Express gratitude for and recognition of kindness, and a willingness to accommodate you.

Allowing: Respect her need to be alone until she asks for time together.

How to Love an Extrovert

Attention: Take frequent notice of and an active interest in what she is doing.

Acceptance: Show that you are on her side and at her side.

Affection: Be frequently demonstrative--physically and verbally--of your love.

Appreciation: Make frequent mention and on special occasions a special mention of your recognition.

Allowing: Join her and share in her interests in some way as often as possible.
Monday, July 31st, 2006
1:32 am
I'm Tired...
...of being the last resort.
...of being the standby.
...of being the joke.

Everyone can get their shits and giggles somewhere else. I'm not going to the one stung along for everyone's amusement. Kiss my ass and lick my balls. I'm not gonna be life's bitch.

It's high time someone bent over and took it from me.

Current Mood: pissed off
Sunday, July 30th, 2006
12:33 am
For those that care
I may be offline for a time. Trouble with my laptop. I really don't think the hard drive is supossed to squeak like that when plugged in, or rattle like that when you take it out.

My computer won't boot, and I think I need a new drive. I'll be out, or online very sporaticly (work and such) untill I Get another.

As if anyone cares.

Current Mood: frustrated
Sunday, July 16th, 2006
8:58 pm
Sin -Nine Inch Nails
You give me the reason.
You give me control.
I gave you my purity.
My purity you stole.
Did you think I wouldnt recognize this compromise.
Am I just too stupid to realize.
Stale incense old sweat and lies lies lies
It's still not a good dayCollapse )

Current Mood: Don't ask.
Friday, July 14th, 2006
8:26 pm
Obviously it's not a good day..

guarded beast stalking
barely contained pain, fierce rage
with a longing heart

Alternate HaikuCollapse )

Not exactly traditional, no seasonal refrences and such but the structured format seem to give me release.
Tuesday, July 11th, 2006
11:11 pm
Stolen from pyro_pixee!
Since she stole one of mine!

What Combat Weaponry Are You?

M-134 "Mini-Gun"

A true brute, you have a "presence" every where you go. You can take on any opponent with little effort, your dependable and your reputation does the talking.

Personality Test Results

Click Here to Take This Quiz
Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

Sunday, July 9th, 2006
11:59 pm
Wednesday, June 14th, 2006
1:01 am
Draft of paper 2
Is done finally. No you can't see it until I'm done with it. But, as an expression of my geekiness, paper 2 will be a comparison and contrast of StarTrek's warp drive, and Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy's infinite improbability drive.

Will post when it's done. Off to sleeps for me.
Monday, June 12th, 2006
8:42 pm
Started my Tae Kwon Do class again today. Tired. But feel good. Good way to train the mind to focus on what's at hand, cause if you don't, you get lost in the forms and moves.

Yay for focus!

Current Mood: exhausted
Saturday, June 10th, 2006
10:25 pm
Things I learned today.
1. You can still go out with your friends and have fun, even in the midsts of emotional turmoil.
2. The large soda's at a movie theater hold enough to hydrate a band of desert wanderers for a week.
3. I'm not the only one who thinks the front bumper/grill area on a car looks like a face.
4. I have no defined taste in music.
(ones after this are edited in)
5. I'm killing the music industry. (not by downloading, but because I don't listen to that much music in the first place) Thanks to Jasper there for reminding me.
6. Chopsticks make my figners tired.
7. Watching other people eat with chopsticks is fun.
8. Don't use your shiney stickers to blind people.
9. I have no defined fashion sense.

Will add more if I think about it.

Current Mood: bouncy
1:39 pm
You teach best what you most need to learn.
You teach best what you most need to learn. -Richard Bach, Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah

Yes, I'm reading one of my favorite books again. I taught and called for patience. I suppose I need patience as well.
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